I didn’t get into grad school…

…and that would have broken my heart, once upon a time. I might even let it define me, while I wallowed in my failure as an artist. Now it gives me another year to get more work published and dig into writing - real writing - outside my journal. There’s that great debate anyway, does one really need an MFA to publish a book? Obviously not. But I’ll still take the recognition of the greater world to heart and traditional publishing does mean something to me. Maybe because I was trained by academic writers, but I’m just not ready to self publish something like a novel. I’m not above external validation. And maybe that will one day come from my readers, but at this point I’ve got 16 followers on instagram and one newsletter subscriber who is either my boyfriend or my sister and no-one outside my workshop group has read my drafts.

I already discussed this with my therapist, that if I was unsuccessful I’d just rework my portfolio, update my CV and apply again. There’s no expiry on education. The feedback I received from the admissions councils was that I did well fifteen years ago, but can I still perform at that level? Don’t worry guys it’s something I also question every day. They wanted to know why wasn’t that manuscript published and suggested it may be better not to mention it (I was too scared to show it to anyone). And could I perform academically AND creatively? I hope so. I’ve got a slow uptick of outside endorsement on my writing so I’m not too worried. My words are going to be on paper somewhere. And that’s something I wouldn’t have imagined in my twenties. I sent one poem to one magazine and then I gave up before I graduated. I guess it’s taken this long for me to get over the rejection. It just takes one yes from one editor and a whole drawer of drafts.

A doctor needs a medical degree and a lawyer has to go to law school. Autodidacts still have to write the exams. But writers, we don’t carry cards that say we’re official. I always said I wasn’t a writer - yet - or I wanted to be writer. But I write every day. The highest bar was set by myself. At what point can I self-define as a writer? Is it when I get into a writing program? I guess my undergrad doesn’t count, in my books. Is it when I’ve got a book on a shelf in a bookstore? Maybe. What about this weird in-between, where I’ve sometimes got a by-line in the local paper and my bio is a contributor in a magazine. Is it when I get paid for my writing - that makes me a professional? What about when I completed my first manuscript? ‘Emerging writer’ is the proper term, I’ve been told. Like I’m a little baby-butterfly writer coming out of my cocoon. I stewed in there a while. At some point in there where I tiptoed into "writing for others” I decided to just run with it and say I’m a writer. And I’m still going to reapply next year.